Cross-Neurotype Relationships

It is pretty widely known that relationships take a lot of work and cross-neurotype relationships have struggles similar to same-neurotype relationships; however, the nature of those struggles can be quite different.

Empathy within relationships

In relationship therapy, one of the goals is for the partners to develop greater empathy for each other. It is easy to do this when your partner is struggling with something outside of the relationship, but harder to do this when the struggles are happening at home.

For example, let's say I tell my partner that my boss treated me unfairly. My partner will be easily empathetic and try to find a way to be helpful/supportive. But if I tell my partner that they treated me unfairly, my partner may feel defensive. Instead of trying to help me, my partner may try to find a way to invalidate my struggle (“I didn’t do that” “That wasn’t so bad”).

However, clinicians can often help partners to find a common ground of understanding (e.g., “your partner is feeling the same way you felt when that thing happened at work”) and then empathy can start to grow.

Empathy within cross-neurotype relationships

Now, in cross-neurotype relationships, building empathy can be more difficult because it can be more difficult to find a common ground of understanding.

For example, let’s say I have ADHD and live with my partner and I frequently forget to do the dishes. My partner cannot understand why this keeps happening because “most” (neurotypical) people can remember to do such a basic daily task. I try to explain to them what is happening inside my head, which makes it hard to narrow down my band of focus enough to remember what is supposed to be happening right now. My partner thinks this is just an excuse and is resentful about having to repeatedly remind me.

In this scenario, it may be harder for the partner to relate to my struggle. Empathy requires that partners understand what is happening for them and their partner.

Helpfulness of Therapeutic Assessment of Relationships

During a therapeutic assessment of relationships, I evaluate each partner as an individual and then use that information to inform how to best evaluate the partnership. Similar to the collaborative nature of individual assessment, the partners are actively involved in the assessment process. Together, we make discoveries about each person and the relationship and start to experiment with doing things differently.

By the end, the partners feel more confident in their abilities to be a good partner, more hope for the relationship, and more empathetically connected to each other.